How to Pick Up Another Mother.

Over the weekend, Melissa started sharing her experiences at the park, toddlers love music and anywhere else moms like to congregate. I quickly said that would be a great blog post and yesterday I suckered her into writing it. Check out Melissa’s expose on Stay at Home Moms below!

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Because I have summers off and get off each day at an early hour, I often run into stay at home moms.

Let me start with, I admire stay at home moms.  I couldn’t do it.  I spend 3 hours alone with Loren M-F and it’s tiring.  She is a ball of energy that needs constant attention/supervision.  And to be honest its boring.  Moms don’t like to admit this, but it is true.  I can only pretend to cook fake pizza in a fake frying pan in a fake sink so many times.

There is a seedy underbelly to being a stay at home mom that people don’t talk about.  Sometimes what appears to the outside world as being good parenting is really an excuse to drop a pickup line.

This is why moms go to parks, children’s museums, and play areas in malls.  You’re thinking, “great, this gives mom and child some variety.”  Oh but you would be wrong, this is the deep secret I’ve discovered about stay at home moms.  They do these things to pick up dates, not for the kids. Really, what 6 month old cares if they are seeing shiny things at home or at the local mall?

These children’s activities are just excuses to date other moms.  The park is like the mom version of going to a bar.  They know there will be other mothers there and they assume they have at least two things in common: kids and location because they are at the same park.  Moms go to the park to meet other moms because to be frank children aren’t amusing enough to keep anyone entertained all day every day.

The courting that goes on at a park is something you have to see to fully appreciate, but it usually goes something like this:

A woman gets to the park and looks for children around her child’s age.  She sets up camp as close to those children as possible. [This would be the equivalent of looking around the bar for the most attractive person]

She gets her child squared away: sand toys, swing, whatever it doesn’t matter.  [This is like ordering your drink, you don’t really care what you are drinking, you’re there to hook up]

Typically, the mom will drop some sort of pickup line, like “omg that outfit is soooooo cute”, “your baby’s eyes are so blue”, “how do you like your stroller,” etc.  This breaks the ice to see if the other mom is open to a new relationship. [This is like, well like saying a pickup line]

If they are both on the prowl one will ask the other how old her child is.  This is always the 1st question and it’s important.  You can’t mommy date someone whose child is not close in age to your own; it just doesn’t work.  The kids can’t play and it makes play dates (aka mommy dates) impossible.  [It would be like a girl dating a gay guy in the long run it just doesn’t work.]

Once it is determined that the child is an appropriate age the dance really gets going.  Small talk is made as they feel each other out.  This is typically where I get dumped as a non-stay at home mom. [It’s also that point where at a bar you realize that the hot guy/girl isn’t taken because they are a raving lunatic.]

Inevitably, a child poops or starts crying for no good reason and a mom has to leave. [Like when you’re friend gets drunk and pukes on him/herself.]  And they get caught in this awkward uncomfortable should I ask you for your phone number moment.

Some moms skip the bar seen and speed date (join mommy groups).  Who knew that dating while you were married was such an acceptable practice?

So fear not single/childless blog readers.  Even after you’ve finally found Mr. or Mrs. Right, there is still plenty of dating in your future.

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